Tags
Blog, Forgiveness, human relationship, justice, Love, Marriage, Mercy, Photography, religion, Unitarian Universalist
Last month I attended my nephew’s wedding. During the ceremony at the Mosque, I was privileged to hear the most wonderful dissertation on marriage I have ever heard. I will try to do justice to the Imam’s words of wisdom.
The Imam began his remarks to the groom and bride by saying ‘In God’s eyes; next to one’s own relationship to God – marriage is the most sacred and important human relationship there is.’ It is so important that in the Koran, Mohammed spoke of the Three Pillars of Marriage– Justice, Love and Mercy.’
‘Marriage comes with certain rights and privileges. As with any other right you are privileged with, certain responsibilities and obligations follow. This is the ‘Justice’ aspect of marriage.’
‘The first and most important responsibility or obligation is to rid yourself and your relationship of ‘me’ and ‘I’ and replace them with ‘us’ and ‘we’. In marriage you can no longer act for purely selfish or self-advancing reasons. A marriage can’t exist for long if it is being pulled apart by separate desires. It only survives when you become a united one. ‘Us’ shapes everything you do in your marriage; ‘we’ becomes the most important entity. ‘We’ trumps all else. All decisions should remove the individual and be made for the best interest of the ‘We’.’
‘But, just fulfilling the responsibilities and obligations – the Justice in marriage – isn’t enough by itself to make a marriage successful. Knowing that, God added the second pillar- ‘Love’.’
‘Love’ elevates the obligation and the justice. ‘Love’ frees the inclination we have to focus one’s self and turns the focus towards the other. Instead of just doing the minimum needed, when ‘Love’ is added people strive harder – they give of themselves willingly, able to ignore wants of the self. ‘Love’ allows for compromise; smoothing the path when you hit a bump in the road.
‘There will be times in a marriage that ‘Justice’ and ‘Love’ can’t get you through. You act with ‘Justice’ – fulfilling your obligations; you give ‘Love’ wholeheartedly. Sometimes though, unconsciously we put strings on our ‘Love”. …”I love you so much, look what I do for you.” “You need to love me the same way. Why can’t you love me the same way?” This is where ‘Mercy’ appears.’
When you act with ‘Mercy’ you throw away the measuring stick. When it doesn’t feel fair; when you feel you have been disrespected; not treated as you should be; not loved as you should be – you act with compassion. You act with generosity of spirit. You have to act with grace and ‘Mercy’ – you forgive. You forgive not only the other – you forgive yourself.’
‘These are the Three Pillars of Marriage that God has given us. As a three legged stool all three Pillars must work together to form a stable foundation. Take one away and like the stool; the marriage collapses. Basing your marriage on these Three Pillars – Justice, Love and Mercy – they will see you through times of trouble, times of heart ache and the times of joy. Inshallah.’
____________________________________________________
Later that evening, I was talking with the bride. She said that she had been hearing words of wisdom from everyone all day and did I have any. This is what I shared with her.
‘I was awestruck by the Imam’s words today. There is so much truth to what the Imam had said was needed in marriage – Justice, Love and Mercy.
My parents have been married 55 years. In the first 25 years we lived in the same town. During that time; I watched my parents fall in and out of ‘Love’ at least three times. Each time I feared their marriage wouldn’t last. Somehow, quietly – my parents worked through it together. They came out the other side – their ‘Love’ bigger and deeper than it had been before.
You will go through rough patches. There will be times you will find it hard to ‘Love’ each other. There will come a time when you can’t find ‘Mercy’. There will be a time that the only thing that will see you through to the other side will be the ‘Justice’ – the responsibilities, the obligations and the promises that you gave each other today. Sometimes Justice seems all that’s left to see you to the other side. Sometimes that’s just what’s needed.
Remember the ‘Us’ in your marriage you can overcome almost anything.’
Just a thought from the pew.